Conversation Between God and Satan, On Suicides

(I’m extremely tired and can’t make it out to Indiana to see my sister. So this is the only way to pass the time before work.)

God and Satan met at a neutral location; a Starbucks coffee shop in Hollywood, California.

Satan: Damn this mocha-whatever shit is AWESOME….

Satan takes a sip of his drink.

Satan: What’s happening my n……

God is drinking Tazo brand green tea.

God: Please don’t use that language.

Satan: Whatever. Anyways dude, I need you to do something about these people who commit suicide. I mean they are like killing the vibe in Hell and shit. Our corners can only hold so many and I’m tired of listening to All American Rejects.

Satan shudders.

God: It is punishment for the life they have…

Satan interrupts before turning to face God.

Satan: Yeah, yeah the life they have taken, took, whatever is the past tense. But really aren’t they punished enough? Most of them have image issues, which to me is just ironic, you know with the whole created in god’s image crap. They have to sit in rooms with a know-it-all who ask the same questions over and over, why are you upset and shit. To top it off they are force fed medications that increase their level of depression.

God: I don’t know.

God pauses.

God: I really can’t make any exceptions.

Satan: You did it for the Japanese.

God: What can I say? I’m a fan of Nintendo.

Satan: Listen, buddy, I’ll keep the religious zealots who kill themselves in the name of God and shit.

God seems to ponder what to say next.

God: Okay. I’ll see what I can do.

Satan: That’s my man.

As God and Satan stand up and prepare to leave they embrace.

Satan: I’m not sure if these hugs ever make me feel comfortable.

God: Quit being a homophobe.

After the two disappear the scene jumps to a sign in front of the pearly gates. It reads, “Sign up for our Suicide Amnesty Program. Now until the end of July.”